There's Something Fishy About This Scantily Clad Mexican (And Other Adventures In Watching The New Series Of Heroes)

We still don't have TV. Or telly. Or tellay if you're in Corrie. Ah'll put t'kettle on.

But we do have t'Internet. Hurrah! Huzzah! Wazhong! Just look at my fellow housemate and skydiving enthusiast Celina using it. LOOK:

Giant finger-pointing... at Murder House!

After a long conversation with the lovely people at Eircom (who have now sent me some kind of contract which must be "witnessed", presumably by a priest or nun, or at the very least a large black women composed almost entirely of sass) we've been provided with the basic tools of wireless technology. Again, three cheers for the dear old queen.

But, alas, we don't have telly. We have Sky Plus coming THIS FRIDAY to help us with our installation problems, presumably accompanied by delightful sexpot Kelly Brook and the irrepressible star of The Good Life and Rosemary and Thyme, Felicity Kendall. If their satellite dish installation skills are anything as good as their advertising skills, then we're in for a mildly upper class English actress treat:

"Sky Plus: It's simple, therefore you use it. Now pass me that lump hammer."

So in anticipation of this approaching Kendall-Brook install-athon, I've been using the Internet to catch up on the latest series of Heroes (yes, it's wrong, but it feels so right... like drowning in puppies). This is Series 3 now, so expectations are obviously high, or at least as high as they can be after the visual representation of the Writers' Strike that was the truncated Series 2, featuring a whole host of unnecessary storylines. Mexico? China? This is meant to be a cleverly structured comic-esque mindfuck, what the hell do you people think you're doing? For a time, I believed it was all a plot to advertise Uncle Ben's:

The unclebens.co.uk map featuring new and exciting flavours
from around the world (or at least the Equator)

Cross-reference with Heroes:

Coincidence? I think not.

But eventually, after some rational thought and a brief stay in a mental institution, I decided that this probably wasn't the case. So I put all thoughts of last year's foibles to the side as I sat down to watch Series 3:

Artist's rendering of what my excitement may have looked like.

And so I watched. Five episodes now. And what do I think? Well, let me sum it up in one sentence:

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Not that I was shouting this at the computer screen. Oh no, it's just that the manatees that control the dialogue on Heroes decided that this particular sentence, this very particular sentence, required maximum exposure as they commenced the third season. For instance:

"What have you done?"

Thank you, Tracey. And Maya?

"What have you done?!!"

And just for good measure:

"No, seriously, what have you done? This is like the third time we've asked."

This is probably about the time I should explain how much I hate that phrase. What have you done? Well apparently not very much television and film watching before you sat down and wrote your little script there Mr. Fancy Pen Slash Typewriter Man because in case you hadn't noticed it's THE MOST OVERUSED PHRASE EVER. Seriously. And it's never for any good reason. For instance, look at those three pictures above. Left to right, the correct answer is a) "What? I just told you!" b) "What? You just saw me do it!" and c) "Celina? Did you just fart?".

No need for it.

No. Fucking. Needforit.

And yet, remember these?

That of course was, in order, Natalie Portman uttering the famous words in Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith, and Kaley Cuoco (of 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter fame) shaking it up a little by screaming "What have I done?!" in the televisual abortion that was the Charmed finale. Well done, Kaley. There's a dead puppy in the post.

All I'm saying is, if anyone out there's planning on writing a TV show, don't ever put those four words together in a sentence. Or there'll be grrraaaaaaaaaaaaavvvve consequences. You heard me.

Also, in other "what I was actually meant to write about" blogginess: HEROES!

1. Stop introducing new characters.

2. STOP INTRODUCING NEW CHARACTERS. Corollary: Kill some characters.

3. "Hello, I'm Mohinder, I act exactly the opposite to how I should behave when the storyline requires. Would you like to peel my back?"

4. Really pushing Latina women's rights in those hotpants, Maya. You go, melty eye girl.

5. FACT: There are now seventeen Petrellis per square inch in the United States.

6. "Oh, I think I'd better not use my powers. Because I don't want to. Even though it's time travel and would be really really helpful."

7. Did Claire and her mother have a lesbian spank inferno in that tanker or was that just me?

8. I do like the running fast, though.

9. And the graphics have been cool.

10. PUT THE AFRICA DOWN, WRITERS. Just put it down, and walk away.

11. If the world explodes one more time I'm turning this car around and we're all going home.

12. So Tracey and Nathan slept together. Blue balls anyone?

13. Oooo, let's mess with some couple names. Tracey and Nathan, Trathan? Nacey? Jessikitrathan? Nah. Mohinder and Maya, Mayinder? Moha? Kind of sounds like a coffee. Claire and her mom? Clom? Maire? Clincest? I like it. Clincest it is.

14. That's all I can think of for now.

Well have a nice Wednesday, everyone, and I'm sure I'll talk to you very very soon. But for now, let's hear from Kelly Brook:

"With Sky Plus you can just pause live television 

and go off and make a cup of tea. I love it."

You said it, Kelly!