"Rarr rar rrraarrr... boredom."So here I am. A month into life at Murder House and still no Internet, no TV, no DVD player that doesn't skip so much that Breakfast at Tiffany's starts to look like the portrait of a schizophrenic woman who won't stop changing her clothes.
"Can't you see it was all for YOU?"Like the thousands of proud workaholic fathers that make up our nation's industries, I've started leaving for work earlier and coming home later. Because work has internet, and internet has videos, and videos have sexy young teens embroiled in a hotbed of bed-hopping hot, hot bodies. And isn't that all anyone really wants at 8.00am on a Tuesday morning?
In honour of the lack of technology that's probably going to drive me into the arms of an ad hoc workplace romance ("So, you going to use ALL those staples?" *wink* !THROWDOWN!) I've decided to compile the first of what is sure to be a long list of lists to grace the pages of noparticularbridge.blogspot.com:
Top 5 Ways You Know You Haven't Got Any TV Or Internet
1. You Start Making Lists.
Seemed like a logical place to start. Lists are fine. Lists are great. Who doesn't love lists?
"Honey, if it ain't got a list attached, I don't wanna know about it."Exactly. It's when you cross the huge gaping line between "there are lists in my life" to "my life IS a list" when you need to start worrying. Note that this should not be confused with "my life's ON a list", in which case I'd start looking into moving to a small island and investing in some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. I'm talkin' holding up a picture of Elisha Cuthbert and saying "I want that one".
If you're wondering if you've fallen into this trap, just ask yourself the following: has anything I've done today suddenly appeared on a list for no apparent reason?
For instance, did someone suggest off-handedly that they might meet you for a coffee, and later that day did you find yourself staring at the following sentence: "Meet Trish at 2 for chit-chat :-)"? First of all, that sentence should never exist, but second of all, it proves the biggest fault underlying the whole list principle: if it really mattered, you wouldn't have forgotten about it in the first place. Nobody cares about Trish. You don't. She's the kind of person who brings her cat to work because she thinks it's "darling".
Twinkles will eventually eat Trish.
If you're wondering if you've fallen into this trap, just ask yourself the following: has anything I've done today suddenly appeared on a list for no apparent reason?
For instance, did someone suggest off-handedly that they might meet you for a coffee, and later that day did you find yourself staring at the following sentence: "Meet Trish at 2 for chit-chat :-)"? First of all, that sentence should never exist, but second of all, it proves the biggest fault underlying the whole list principle: if it really mattered, you wouldn't have forgotten about it in the first place. Nobody cares about Trish. You don't. She's the kind of person who brings her cat to work because she thinks it's "darling".
Twinkles will eventually eat Trish.Making lists is just a time-filler. Trish makes lists. Don't be Trish.
2. You Clean.
"What's that smell?"
"What smell?"
"Exactly."
*gasp* !thud!
Man wasn't meant to live a life of cleanliness. Neither was woman, she just got lumped with the job for a couple of thousand years. But now times have changed, bras have burned, suffragettes have sufragetted, and we've all realised that it would just be better if we lived in a mess of our own filth.
What if THEY reject ME?
4. Random Things Happen.
You used to reserve exactly the same amount of your libido for this woman as you did for Trish. Only you have changed. Filling your time with mindless sex is perfectly fine, it's what we all aspire to, but when you're so bored that you start inviting over anything with at least one orifice and a pulse you've got to stop yourself. If not for you than for the children you might end up with. Even if they do somehow manage to dodge Trish's DNA they've been conceived in an apartment so loaded with cleaning products even Hitler couldn't untangle the mutant DNA.
I think you know what to do. Get that wireless connection. Order those channels. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Just don't do anything you will regret.
2. You Clean.
"What's that smell?"
"What smell?"
"Exactly."
*gasp* !thud!
Man wasn't meant to live a life of cleanliness. Neither was woman, she just got lumped with the job for a couple of thousand years. But now times have changed, bras have burned, suffragettes have sufragetted, and we've all realised that it would just be better if we lived in a mess of our own filth.
Look this guy in the eye and tell him he's wrong.
Getting these people together is the makings of a good-sized bonfire, not a fun evening in. Don't fool yourself that you're actually interested in what they've done with their lives, because you're not. Tim and Alison still smell and sneeze just like they did in college, and Chris isn't going to whip out a new limb any time soon, so before you find yourself drunkenly singing the self-written "Ode to the Legless Men and Women of the U.S. Military", stop and think:But when you're sitting in your living room at half past seven on a Wednesday evening, surrounded by the detritus of two weeks of takeaway dinners and a brewery worth of Skittlebrau, you start to think: maybe I should clean.
Well just pick up a half-empty Skittlebrau and get yourself drunker there, little missy, because if there's anything sadder than the scene I just described it's the sight of you standing in a spotless kitchen, covered in grime, so off your tits on cleaning products you couldn't recognise your own reflection, and smiling like a developmentally challenged ostrich about the fact that you cleaned your own apartment.
If I wanted to live like this my entire crockery collection
would be made of fucking formica. Wouldn't it, Trish?
You'll then pick up the phone (which is now no longer covered in cigarette butts) and invite someone over to see how good a job you've done. Which leads us nicely to the next item on our list.
Well just pick up a half-empty Skittlebrau and get yourself drunker there, little missy, because if there's anything sadder than the scene I just described it's the sight of you standing in a spotless kitchen, covered in grime, so off your tits on cleaning products you couldn't recognise your own reflection, and smiling like a developmentally challenged ostrich about the fact that you cleaned your own apartment.
If I wanted to live like this my entire crockery collectionwould be made of fucking formica. Wouldn't it, Trish?
3. You Invite EVERYONE over.
"Hi, Tim, yeah, I know it's been ages...really, since college finished?...well I was just hanging out at my new pad and thought 'hey, why not give Tim a call?'...yeah...oh, you are...oh, ok....*beep* *beep* *beep*"
So you're sitting in your nice clean apartment, surrounded by thousands and thousands of lists. But what's thousands and thousands of lists if you've got nobody to cross-reference them with? Those folders aren't going to label themselves, you know!
By all means feel free to go insane in the comfort of your own home (see number four) but please, please, please, DO NOT invite random people from your past to hop on the Good Ship Lala with you. As I said above, there's a reason you forgot about these people. Tim smells like rubber. Alison can't laugh without sneezing. Chris has a wooden leg which is all fine by me and frankly I couldn't care less about that sort of thing but would you just stop showing us your stump?!
Not pictured: Chris.
"Hi, Tim, yeah, I know it's been ages...really, since college finished?...well I was just hanging out at my new pad and thought 'hey, why not give Tim a call?'...yeah...oh, you are...oh, ok....*beep* *beep* *beep*"
So you're sitting in your nice clean apartment, surrounded by thousands and thousands of lists. But what's thousands and thousands of lists if you've got nobody to cross-reference them with? Those folders aren't going to label themselves, you know!
By all means feel free to go insane in the comfort of your own home (see number four) but please, please, please, DO NOT invite random people from your past to hop on the Good Ship Lala with you. As I said above, there's a reason you forgot about these people. Tim smells like rubber. Alison can't laugh without sneezing. Chris has a wooden leg which is all fine by me and frankly I couldn't care less about that sort of thing but would you just stop showing us your stump?!
Not pictured: Chris.What if THEY reject ME?
4. Random Things Happen.
This is the closest the ENTIRE INTERNET could find to the type of randomness that could happen if you are left to your own devices in a technologically retarded apartment. Or "retartment".
If you or your nearest and dearest are forced to stare day after day at a blank television, your ever-growing reflections taunting you with their shadowy presence, then the following may happen:
5. You Start Having Ill-Advised Sex.
Remember Trish? She wasn't so bad, was she, really? I mean, sure she's not really your age but you're getting to a time in your life when you can really appreciate an older woman. Hell, she might have a thing or two to teach you. And when she said that sometimes she samples the cat food in case it's too salty for Twinkles she was just joking around. You know there's nothing sexier than a good sense of humour, right?
If you're thinking the above, you're probably too far gone, but in the hopes that you might be able to claw yourself back from the precipice at the edge of boner-shrinking insanity, look at this:
"Fiscal fortitude is the backbone of a sound nation. Now touch me."
If you or your nearest and dearest are forced to stare day after day at a blank television, your ever-growing reflections taunting you with their shadowy presence, then the following may happen:
- Scratching
- Improper clothing etiquette
- End-table related bruising
- Silences so loaded with awkwardness you accidentally confess to the assassination of President Kennedy
- Dinner parties
- Impromptu fake awards ceremonies
- Impromptu fake awards made from cereal boxes and tit tape
- Live recreations of your favourite TV shows
- Bursting into tears
- Not realising how bad you smell
- Forgetting how to talk
- Becoming hyper-aware of the presence of your eyelids
- Dryness of mouth
5. You Start Having Ill-Advised Sex.
Remember Trish? She wasn't so bad, was she, really? I mean, sure she's not really your age but you're getting to a time in your life when you can really appreciate an older woman. Hell, she might have a thing or two to teach you. And when she said that sometimes she samples the cat food in case it's too salty for Twinkles she was just joking around. You know there's nothing sexier than a good sense of humour, right?
If you're thinking the above, you're probably too far gone, but in the hopes that you might be able to claw yourself back from the precipice at the edge of boner-shrinking insanity, look at this:
"Fiscal fortitude is the backbone of a sound nation. Now touch me."You used to reserve exactly the same amount of your libido for this woman as you did for Trish. Only you have changed. Filling your time with mindless sex is perfectly fine, it's what we all aspire to, but when you're so bored that you start inviting over anything with at least one orifice and a pulse you've got to stop yourself. If not for you than for the children you might end up with. Even if they do somehow manage to dodge Trish's DNA they've been conceived in an apartment so loaded with cleaning products even Hitler couldn't untangle the mutant DNA.
I think you know what to do. Get that wireless connection. Order those channels. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Just don't do anything you will regret.
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