It's Like Britney's Shiny Boobs Are Pressing Into The Back Of My Eyeballs

Ow.

So I'm mildly hungover. Which is fine and great and dandy and happy puppy nosebleeds all the livelong day because at least I've got my clothes. Unlike a certain recently be-balded young lady, who may or may not have lost more than we originally thought in the bitter custody battle:

It's Britney, bitch: Inset, my reaction to the video.

That's right, she's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaccck. And doesn't she look good? Hasn't she done well, our Britters? Isn't it really great that she's back on top, and doesn't she look great? And she lost the weight. And she appears to be almost lucid in the new video:

It's Britney, kitch: Britters avails of the new

"Dark, Sleek, Womanizer" range at IKEA.

Aw, look at her there, mistaking the sink for the oven. But again, doesn't she look fantastic? In her fancy black robe in her delightful slippery kitchen? And the hair. Simply. Divine.

Except wait a minute. I have one small question buried among all the "Doesn't she look great hasn't she done well isn't it so good to see her finally getting back on track" malarky I've been hearing all week. And that question is:

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!!

No, wait, that's not it. My actual question is much less redundant:

HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?

How the hell do you know that her life's back on track? How the hell do you know that she's really got it together? What evidence do you have that her mental state is any better than it once was other than the fact that she now has a slammin' body? And once you get rid of the excessive boob-vag combo of it all, you may start to notice that things aren't quite right. For instance, what self-respecting person would fist herself on national television:

It's Britney, flinch: "Now that, that'll cost you extra."

That's right, this girl's got issues. And no amount of mildly Asian hair and "should have fisted yourself at Specsavers" glasses are going to change that. But the general public have still spent the past week sitting on benches (always on benches) saying how happy it makes them that Britney's pulled herself together. This when all the while she is literally (see above) ripping herself apart. Ugh. Now there's a play on words you don't see every day.

But what is Britney trying to tell us with her new video? What message is she trying to convey? What tortured cry for help is she trying to get across, apart from the fact that she's clearly addicted to Timoteijitsu, the ancient Chinese art of attacking people with your hair:

It's Britney, twitch: Or possibly, don't weave me this way. Whichever you want.

No, it seems that what Britney is trying to convey in her new video is the blatant case of split-personality disorder she's been carrying all these years. You know, the one that allowed her to be a virgin that also had sex with people? Handy.

So if we are to believe what is put before us, Britney is suffering from the burden of carrying not one, not two, but THREE extra personalities, each one a representation of the wildly varying facets of Ms. Spears' personality. For those of you who weren't paying attention, the personalities are, in ascending order of craziness:

It's Britney, hitch: Slutty Office Worker Britney.

It's Britney, quiche: Slutty Waitress Britney.

It's Britney, clutch: Slutty Limo Driver Britney (?).

That's right, in the Venn Diagram of lunacy that is Britney Spears' mind, all she really wants is to be a slut. Who attacks people with her hair. Possibly while being naked in a sauna of some description.

You go, girl!